I have this clear vision of how my job should look like for the next couple of months, a year and maybe period which is more than one year. I really want to make that happen. I want to be able to share my skills and knowledge in a friendly and relaxing atmosphere. I want to have stress-free environment to work with where I could feel eagerness instead of fear, where I will confront challenges with storing desire to resolve them. I really want to put everything I was taught of into a real life situations. I am really looking forward to it.

I have so many things to work on. No, I want to work on so many things, better said.

Because a lot of changes occurred, and I am back, I was thinking of making appointments with counselor but I am just postponing it because I feel like I am going to disappoint her because of my decisions and that she will tell me how she doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. I have a fear of being abandoned by her because I’ve might done something that was beyond acceptance level and that she might have right to leave me now. That is why it is easier to prolong that call where I have to tell –  I am here. By postponing appointment, I do not have to confront with possible abandon. I can nourish fantasy that I am acceptable no matter what and to be in peace with only idea of happy outcome rather. I choose that rather than facing the problem.

This morning I choose not to work out because I felt not capable. It is quite a hot and I don’t know where to position my workout when I have to deal with all of those stuff related to employment. I feel like I do not have strength to work out, more important, I do not have goal in front of myself when it comes to working out. I really don’t want to do that now because it provides me with a whole bunch of stress because I am doing that not to feel better, but to look better. And than I am always comparing myself to others and I am obsessed with my results, etc. So doing sport is like a huge project which I have to dedicate myself into if I want to do that properly. I have for sure 5-10kg extra that should be removed and therefore, just thinking how I have to torture myself in order to be better shaped and to loose those kg is really uncomfortable. I am really not into training right now especially when I know how hard I should work out if I want to see results. So my connection to sport is really messed up. It is everything but enjoyment. It is obligation which is forcing me to give all of me in purpose of loosing weight. When I just think of all that pain I could feel while working out mixed with the fact that I feel drained already because adjustment of spending all day on my feet, I feel really like I don`t want to do that at all. And I am really thinking badly about myself because I fell like I am having a problem and I am not doing anything to solve it. I feel like I am not trying to fix such an obvious mistake that I have – 5-10kg extra. Which is putting me under a lot of stress as well. All of the free time I have, when I am laying in my bed I feel guilty because I am not running in that small forest near my house. I feel guilty whenever I see pictures of runners and similar. I feel really guilty because I feel like I am having something on myself that is unacceptable and I am not doing anything to make myself more acceptable. So ever when I do not have enough strength or inspiration to work out, I fell bad because I know I SHOULD BE WORKING OUT, and I am not doing so. It is stressful anyway because I have some kind of obligation toward changing myself. And I remember when I started to run, it was nice because it was new and exciting rather than in purpose of reshaping myself. I did not have to do that, I choose to do it. I choose to do it because I knew how good can it be. Big difference that approach I have now. Because my approach now is dedicated only to the end result, not the process. If I could run as fast as I can just to loose it more quickly. As often as I can just to loose it more quickly. That is like I am doing something that is bad for me rather than doing something good for my health. The mission is to lose pounds as fast as I can and that is why I am forcing my body every day to do a little bit more or to not to eat enough because that will provide me some good results. And I don’t want any workout based on the fact I have to change myself. No. I want inspiring workout that is going to provide me satisfaction while I am doing it. That is going to make something better for me overall. I don’t want to involve my looks in it. I want to make choices that are good for me. I am absolutely sure that zero effect is possible with strict regime when it comes to food and working out because those are irrelevant parts of overall health comparing to stress we are providing to ourselves. So when I am thinking of how different I should look and when I start that awful talk inside my head about how wrong I am and how I am doing everything wrong, I should probably keep one thing in my mind. Nothing matters if you are nit happy while doing it. My pounds are real, every single one and they are pointers of some discomfort I am experiencing right now. Or maybe comfort. but why do I have such a need to get rid of them. It is a vicious cycle that is going on inside my body. I cannot be worried about them because they are real and they are here and that is it. I will not try to change them. I will not do a single workout in order to look different, but only because it gives me some other satisfaction. It is just not worth it. All that pain and torture I was going trough, it is really not worth it.


One thought on “Decisions

  1. I think that there is no comfort at workplace. Especially if you’re working as a part of a team where people hate each other, think that they’re the smartest and try to work for themselves and not as a part of the team, which is very bad for the general result, but who cares for that, anyway, my point is that good and qualified people will always find their way in the end, no matter what.
    Speaking of body issues, I have the same problem right now. I don’t know what happened but I started liking my body a little less even when it looks good, but not as good as it can. I believe you have that feeling too. I think that we’re all pressing ourselves too hard sometimes. All bodies are so beautiful, our bodies are, your body is. And yes, there are so many obligations during day and week and month that we must accomplish so we spend the time which is reserved for our body in order to complete all the “important” tasks. And suddenly we look at the mirror and we see how it resulted. But you must stand in front of it and look at yourself and see beauty instead of kilos, your magnificent, feminine figure which some others would die for. With or without those extra kilos it is brilliant and you have to accept that brilliance you own. You might not feel so comfortable but it is just another pretty version of you, maybe not what you’re used to, but still beautiful. Love your body no matter what, it suffered so much and it survived and it is still there and still yours, still so strong and so brilliant.


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