It might happen

High level of stress is taking it`s turn on my digestion, eating and sleeping habits and skin condition. I am really drained.

I had a really nice job interview last night. It was the best one so far because I was relaxed while doing it. That happened because I was rejected by so many other companies so my thoughts were that it is going to be pointless and I will not be hired anyway. My relaxed approach was great. I am still thinking I am not going to be hired because of previous rejection experience which made me think how inadequate I am for the job, but on the other side, if that company offers me a position, it is going to make sense to me because there is a little part of me which is absolutely sure that things happen because of my attitude, not the level of knowledge.

I like being clear with my thoughts.

What I also realized is that job I was trained for is actually a pretty great one. I can use term rewarding because I can see results of my effort really fast. I am making people feel painless, healthier and more appealing. That is really rewarding. It is a great job when I think about it. Results are pretty obvious and they come fast. It is pretty great knowing that I choose a call that is actually a satisfying good one.

I want to share my thoughts about great miss conception that is within me.

It has to do with a feeling of belonging. Ever since I was little, I was educated to think how I am not a real part of my community. First, it is because of the fact that my parents came to this country as a refugees. I was raised knowing that people from country my parents were living until war took its place were actually more friendly, they are nicer and their intentions are better comparing to people over here. I also had a thought about how the city where I grow up is actually not my city. I didn’t have any feeling regarding the city I spend 90% of my life in. I am still thinking how this country is a bad one because people are poor and they are emotionally unstable due to lack of finances, lack of job, etc. They were betrayed by the government in past decades so many times that they always seemed to me as those without any desire or hope. From my perspective, they were approaching to everything as it is going to fail anyway and they did not have any enthusiasm. And yes, one more fact, my parents were never the ones who have a goal of stable life in here. We were never having photo frames in our house because my mother was always telling me that it is not our home and we will get those when we move into our apartment. So like everything in country I am currently living is a one big lie and some better life can only be achieved elsewhere. These past 25 years were lousy excuse for life. It turned out that my life so far was just a temporary thing and not real because something better is waiting for me elsewhere. And I’ve already mentioned how the picture of perfect life existed in my head ever since.

To sum it up, I was born in a wrong place at the wrong time and if I want something better which is going to be hard to get anyway, I have to work so hard and to focus on things such as moving to better place on the Earth and having a highly paid job.

And than I started to look at things differently, after experience of living abroad, after experience of wanting to move so far away, after 25 years of life, after psychotherapy which I am about to continue and after questioning probably everything I think I know so far.

And there I was, so far away, achieving everything I had as a goal, realizing that I am missing point.

And I started questioning drama I grew up in. That drama about tough life. When I am thinking of conditions that are represented to me, I now consider them as a lie. That is a product of my parents explanation of what is really important and how unfair life seemed to be towards them. I was growing up while being fed with a lie. My mother transferred her lies to me.

I was not born in a wrong place or at a wrong time. Wherever I am, it is not the state I am living that will my home more appealing. What counts are connections I have. My parents are not poor people who did not manage to make living conditions better because it was impossible. It was a little bit tricky but we are all aware of the fact that happiness and peaceful life have nothing to do the amount of money on account. Money is a wonderful thing. But we perceived it as a dirty one because it becomes an excuse, method for overcompensation, thing we put a blame on the most. And it is only one particle of life. I wasn’t less important than other because I was poor. I counted same as them. Just I didn’t realize that until now. I wasn’t wrong and nothing was weird about me. I had every single right as everyone else.

I now understand what too judgemental over yourself means. I have such a huge goals that I was acting like a robot instead of being a human. I can see how clear my focus can be. The sad part is that it was directed to a whole bunch of wrong stuff.

I was never proud of myself. I didn’t feel like I accomplished anything in my life. I didn’t feel like a thing I was doing was enough. I was focused on stupid stuff instead of experiencing life like a human.

What a wasted time.




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