Me

I am a little bit sad because I am not writing as often as I want because it really turned out that writing down my thoughts daily is actually one of the most useful things I can do for myself.

I discovered so many meaningful stuff about myself while doing personal blogging. That knowledge was super useful since it acted as a guide when it comes to decision making and everything as a result of those.

Right now, there are like a million things that are new in my life and totally unexpected. If someone asked me a month ago if I will be here, doing that in August, I would be –  no way.

That is the reason why I am sad when it comes to not writing regularly.

I have feeling like I am closing myself. Like I am thinking a bunch of stuff but do not courage to write them or to share them

First, it is about my weight. I have been asking myself why I am not supply my body only with good stuff. I am acting like that is not important. Like it is  doomed to fail. If I am eating, I would make a bad choice over a healthy one because I am feeling like I do not have energy or anything similar and I am just like – let`s get over with it.

Why I am not respecting my body the way it deserves to be treated?

It is really odd.

Like that is not important. Like everything else matters more than my body. So, right now I am facing a lot of stress due to change when it comes place I live and job I do. I spend a lot of time absent from home during the day and I am worried when it comes to money. And I do not sleep enough because I still have jet-leg and probably because the worries present in my head.

In my head it is like this. You are worthless right now because you do not have stable income and  that is the reason why your body is irrelevant as well as your health.

And that is bullshit and I know it for sure.

Because money does not provide me anything that is more important than my health. That is just the fact. It is not something that I`ve heard, it is something that I`ve experienced.

Due to poverty I was facing ever since and plus strong mother`s impact, there was one thought that was shaping my life, one thought that was coloring a bunch of other ones. That thought was – there is not enough money. That is the reason why I miss perceived “reality”. I was thinking how stable income will provide me something I really felt like I was missing. In my heart, there was a feeling of absence. Like one big blank space. And in my head, there was an idea of a perfect life. Of me, living somewhere else some life that is totally different than the one I was experiencing so far. I had a lust for that life. That perfect life and all of the things I could do if only… The logical step toward my lustful life was money making. I was growing up watching how my mother is lacking of something as well, but she always put a blame on money, so that was conclusion. If I have enough money I will be happy. I remember how I told my therapist once how I don`t understand why my parents are still  together because they do not have anything between them that is worth of keeping. Worth of mentioning. They are not happy. They do not live life where they are happy. I guess that when I was little I was able to understand that my vision on happiness was totally different than the life my parents were living.

But still, I had a lust for that life that was happening somewhere in my head. And I think that my vision of that life was pretty clear. I was just afraid of going more often in that part of my mind because it is like a curse, an idea that cannot be done in reality because I am lacking of money to achieve it.

So who do I wanna be?

In my vision, I would always highlight emotions over material belongings. I would be positive about the outcomes. I would live more fulfilling life. I would do more of the things that are making me happy.

I debunked myth about importance of the money. It cannot lead me trough my life. I would always but absolutely always chose a life where I am fulfilled over loads of dollar bills. If my feeling of living life as it is meant to be lived requires a huge amount of money, than ok. Money is part of that than. But I really want to wake up and never to experience that feeling of lacking something unknown.

I really feel like someone gave me a map for life, finally.

I think that the point was actually to become empowered in achieving anything that matches with me. With real me, not influenced confused child I was, but real me. That vision of perfect life, empowered to achieve that.

First money than everything else, pf. Bullshit. I was missing life so badly, only being supported in doing things that will bring me material stuff. No one told me I need to think about myself. No one educate me about what is important.

I am glad I know now.

I would like always to chose my happiness. There was that idea that I need to work hard if I want something or to wait for something to happened or to be patient. The truth is, that every that is achieved in that way, bay hard work, patience and amount of time was actually bullshit because everything that we need is somewhere in front of us. We do not have to wait to become a little bit more educated or to lose a few pounds so we can become qualified for something we desire. Everything we own or we want to own, places we want to be or things we wanna do, all of those are just symbols. For fullness we are seeking, it is not necessary to wait, to become different than we are now. It is achievable in this very moment. Those stupid conditions, omg, such a mistake. Such a longer way to the highest goal. And that is to feel happy and to be in peace.

I do not feel happy when I am trying so hard to achieve something because I truly believe that whatever is right, it will be easy to do. For all that stretching for some higher result, it is just not worth it.

I have a whole list of stuff I currently can`t do because I am not qualified enough for them. Or I am not good enough. Slim enough. Pretty enough. My wardrobe is not pretty enough. My body is not good for it. My personality is not adequate. The time is not right.

My feeling of how inferior I am and therefore I cannot live a life I want to live was standing in my way to see everything else that was happening around me because I was in a constant chase to make up for my mistake of being inferior. A huge amount of effort was used for making things right. Like I had to pay debt for being alive. Like my life was doomed at very beginning because my assignment was to work much harder because I am born without anything others have. Like I am some irrelevant being who is trying to achieve something that others have as their birth right.

Like I have to work harder and try harder and to have 7000 experiences and to read everything and to know everything and when I am deciding anything it has to be so exhausting because I have to think about all of the things others don`t have to. Because they are better positioned than I am.

I am so tired of that life. It is a lie. I was headed to nowhere.

I am proud because it really turned out that everyone can do everything. I am proud because all the achievements but the sad truth is that those were not my dreams. I achieved someone else`s dreams. I was climbing a wrong mountain.

So sad. It is really nice that I am quite young while realizing that.

When I just think about how much effort was put into some of my moves. I am surprised how is it possible to have strength for that.

I feel like I am tired and done.

One thought on “Me

  1. First of all, writing is really a great way to express yourself without offending anyone in particular and still letting it get out of you so you don’t need to pack it in yourself, all those bad emotions, memories and situations. There are many things that are meant to be let go.
    Second of all, it is true that anyone can do anything. It depends on perspective. Everyone’s cool, smart, slim, pretty etc except those who willingly declare different for themselves.

    Like

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