I got back from China.
I have all I thought I need there.
My own place, stress-free job with only 30 working hours per week, salary that matches to my savings plan. I had small but my own apartment, modernly furnished with brand new appliances. I had a large TV right across the bed with latest movies and tv-shows.
As for the lifestyle, I was dining outside comfortably all of my meals because that is something that is common there, especially with foreign teacher salary. I was drinking coffees at my favorite cafeteria which was only one metro stop away, or, if I want to walk to it, the road which I was taking was surrounded by fountains and it went trough the park where the lake is. That road would be perfect for my running, because I would take a turn around the lake and total distance could be somewhere around 6km.
Job conditions were outstanding, principal of school, coworkers, kids. It was great.
But none of that was me.
Not a single bit of it. I mean it could be, but it is not.
I guess that my aha moment occurred while getting all that I wanted. And in my mind, yes, those were real stuff. I wanted that lifestyle, respect, money, nice surrounding, etc. But after a few days it just hit me.
All of this is manageable only I was`nt real person but rather a machine who came to the Earth to accomplish some tasks. My plan would be a perfect match if I leave out my feelings. Because, when you put everything on the paper, it is simple as that – good money, nice life, after a year I will be able to move back home and to start (for forth time) a new life with new profession.
I did not know all about myself but I am glad that I do now. That aha moment I was mentioning was really important because I know what is important to me. No, I do not want to be far away and not be present when important stuff happens to people who are my family or friends. I want to be there, I want to be involved. No, I do not want to be somewhere without my friends on my B-day. No, I do not want to earn money and just to invest it after a year. I want to be present when every single tile is put on walls of that empty space that we have for now. I don`t want to miss all those important moments. I do not want to be present only when I have it all, I want to be there when I am broke, I want to be in that empty space after work, I want to be there with her, I want us together to make it all happen.
Now I get all of those parents who at the end are something like – I wish I spent more time with you.
This money chasing is something that is killing life.
Unfortunately, I am raised knowing that I do not have a thing that is my own. My surrounding is something that is making me to feel like a need to have a lot of accomplishments, so I could count. So there I was, earning a lot, but I did not get what it was promised to me – happiness. Nope.
First, none of this would be possible when it comes to moving back home if I did not have a nice relationship with my brother, also an expat, who completely understood me and supported my idea to go back home.
Last year I was working so I could get money to help my parents to buy their own place to live, and that moment finally came the day after I moved to China.
So here I am, back at home, well, finally my home. Actually for the first time in my life, we are having our own place. And yes, that is thanks to me. I was not that proud until now because I thought everyone would do the same. I was not even happy earlier because I was thinking I was no one because I do not have it all fixed when it comes to my job and so.
Now, I am finally proud and somehow aware of all of the great stuff I did.