I am in Doha, Qatar, waiting on my flight.
I haven’t cried and I am sure that things are going to get better as soon as I start.
I am sad because I finaly got along with family and I feel bad because I decided to do something as difficult as leaving them. Not because of them, they will be just fine while I am gone, it is because of me. Who am I going to talk to when I enter an empty apartment. Who am I going to drink coffees with or share a thoughts about how day went. Who is going to comfort me if I get into difficulties. Who is going to make me B-day cake? And what about Christmas and New Year? This transition is hard.
Until approximately 3 months ago, I was living completely unaware of myself, but than a change happened. I was gaining something totally different than before from people who remained the same. I gained more because I opened.
And now, I am far away from them. And I feel like I made a stupid choice because I designed my whole year as being away. Alone. I am scared. I miss my people already.
Why is it so important to have someone close by your side? Is there an alternative? I was thinking about what makes swimming so good for me and I think it has to do a lot with the feeling of touch which I am getting while being in the water.
Why are we designed to be in groups and why I chose loneliness even though I know now that acceptance is the most curable thing that I need?
If someone was asking me again to think about this moving, I would not agree upon it because it is so rude and disrespectful toward my little self.
I am torturing myself. This decision is pure torture toward so far well hidden part of me.
I deserve and I want a home and a family! I really need that.