I hate

I hate the fact that I am moving. I hate the fact that I am leaving my friends and family. I hate being raised in environment where you can`t get respectful job offer for profession that requires 18 years of education. I hate that I do not have it all figured out. I hate the fact I did not choose education which will provide me decent living in the place where all my family and friends are. I hate the choice I had to make – either being in familiar surrounding, doing job that will not provide me everything I deserve, even worse, doing it for free. Either being on a different continent, separated from everyone I know, doing different kind of job, not knowing what to expect, since it is my first time doing it (as well as first time being on that location), but earning something that is suitable for lifestyle I want (and making saving for startup later).

I hate the fact life is not fair. It is not fair that I had to make such a difficult choice. I will be so far away, what for, to make a healthy working environment for myself!

Every day I am more and more sure that the worst thing that can happen to me is to be surrounded by half-humans. Idiots, trying to cheat on me, people being unfair and unaware, people who play mind-games, those who think they can be in power over someone. I hate all of them. And I have to go on this road all by myself because I feel no one around me wants to change obvious injustice that is happening around us. If this was a civilized system, we would all be happy with our jobs now, living in the same surrounding we were raised in.

I have a University degree and that allows me to do a job I am not even qualified for in another country because there I am considered as valuable member of society.

I am in such pain because I had to make choice of moving to country I have never been before. The cultural shock will be huge because I will live and work with people who are culturally different than me.

I made such a difficult choice. I don`t like when someone considers me as a brave one because I am sick of making these choices. I am not proud and full of myself when I make this type of decision. I am doing this because I do not have choice. I feel like a robot who is supposed to make all right choices in order to get maximum out of life but what about me. I am so sad because I am leaving. I feel like I am making carrier first choice and knowing what I am lacking of, it is like I am positioning myself to enormous pain.

I felt completely lonely until a few months ago, when I realized how I can start being more open with close ones. I started seeing what I really need and started asking for it.

My therapist once told me – don`t you think that you are not taking steps that will bring you close to someone.

I do now. I am not taking those steps at all. I am leaving everyone I care for.

How is living abroad bring me closeness and feeling of acceptance. I will not know anyone when I move in less than 24 hours and for more than a year.

 

I really feel like a robot.

And I am really mad because of making compromise with such an important thing. I will be lacking of all of those stuff I was lacking of my entire life.

I just started taking are of myself in a lovable manner and now, I designed my life being cut of all the nice stuff life is really all about. Laughing with friends, eating with friend, drinking coffee, having long talks, being close to loved ones.

What will I tell to my kids? How life is hard and I am a hero because mom once made a choice to make a difference. I don`t want to poison them with a hard life story ever! I don`t want to represent world to them as a pick between love or dignity or job, because you know what, life is hard, and you can`t have it all.

I don`t wanna do that!

I think that I made a wrong choice when it comes to my needs as a human, and good one when it comes to job. It has a lot of pros and cons both. If i had to make this choice a month form now or two, it would be different.

At the end, I am sure that every single change can be both – good and bad at the end.

What I will try to find out on this journey is that small kid hidden away from this awful person I am now.

 

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One thought on “I hate

  1. As I already said once, our grown ups left us with nothing. They don’t appreciate us, make us go away, treat us bad, humiliate us. We all suffer and no one wants to make a change for all of us. There’s nothing left but to leave. None of us, young or old have a future. And it is not our fault for sure! It’s hard being alone in the unknown, but you’ll succeed, they’ll appreciate you and take care of you. You do a good thing. You’d do it here probably, if anyone’d be interested in it. But no, people here suffer some masochistic syndrome. Things will be fine elsewhere, although we’ll all miss some pieces at first, as the years go on, we’ll establish new lives, and everything will be better. Take care!

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