So it is set. Finally, moving to China is about to happen in 4 days. g

I haven`t been writing for couple of days and I feel like I am closing myself. Not only because of the fact I stopped with blogging about my personal life (which turned out to second best thing for 2017, so far), but with and add of the fact I was dealing with a tremendous stress since my departure to China as well as job details were arranged within 3 days. So I was constantly online, sending dozen of emails per day.

I had a bad experience while I was working in the US when it comes to job and living conditions. I don`t want to go in details with this but my point is that talking to agents now was super stressful because I had to make sure that all these stuff I had previously bad experience with, are now being taken care of. I know that I do not have control over bunch of them. Actually, I am sure that I have zero control when it comes to new working and living environment, because the personal experience is something that can be quite different than experience of others, their opinions, suggestions, etc. I know that what I consider as good, someone else will consider as awful and vice versa. I had a great example of a girl who refused the same job offer, with explanations that terms are not good enough in comparison with her level of skill, background and expectations.

So, in previous three days I had to arrange stuff which I have a little control of. Those are salary, place where I am going to live, working visa, schedule, airport pick up, health insurance. It was easier when I was heading to US because of language, but now, I am going somewhere where language is a barrier.

Making sure that I am firm in my demanding and polite at the same time, while dealing with 4 people which are in charge of my job contract was pretty demanding. Two of them who were in charge of the whole process were polite and easy to understand with. But the agent who is on the lowest position was not that friendly.

Still, she is the on who is going to pick me up on the airport and to find me accommodation. She needs to send me a picture of few places so I can pick one. We will see how that is going to work out.

What I noticed trough this process is level of insecurity I have when it comes to letting someone lead me trough the process that is  really important – it is my life for a next year. Place where I am going to live, people I am going to work with, and everything connected with moving to another continent. I do not have trust at all. I was taking screen-shots of every conversation I had, I was asking same questions for a couple of times. I was really suspicious. That is why I felt so drained after signing contract. Because my brain had to work excessively. I had to force myself to image how people are idiots and to write stuff which implies from the ones previously written.

I had to make a lot of changes and to ask a lot of questions, as I said, repeatably.

I have no idea what to expect in four days.

What I am proud of is that the fact I was asking something for my self. It wasn`t deal that I just accepted. I was taking care of my self. And that is a huge progress. If I was on their side, I am absolutely sure that I would be acting super responsible, treating everyone as equals, treating everyone in the same way I would like to be treated. And I am sad because people are not doing their job with a high level of responsibility. Everything would be so much easier. Doing it without loving it, it is just taking away energy from all sides.

That is why it would be best for me to stick with my level of responsibility, and to go there, perfectly prepared when it comes to job. I do not have experience when it comes to this type of job, but I think that I have more than enough resources to go prepared. It would be super uncomfortable thinking how those guys do not know how to do their job and than, to turn out that they are pretty amazing, and I am the one not keeping up with them.

I read that you are always in one of two states: either you are in a survivor state either it`s recovery state. Right now, I am survivor state. I have high level on anxiety prior to leaving. I was trying to get some sleep today, after packing stuff, but I was instantly woke up because of thoughts how I am sleeping in this bed for a few more days, how I will not see those walls ever again (my parents are moving to new apartment on Tuesday and I am leaving on Monday). Than there were thoughts of how I am not going to see my friends, which was quite upsetting. I was thinking about how I am going to try to get some sleep there and when I woke up, no one is going to be around. So yes, a lot of crazy stuff in my mind. Which are actually real. I know how hard it can be in the beginning. It is going to be a challenging part, for sure.

I am really sad because I am leaving my family and friends, I am sad because I will be away from them. I am sad because I have to adjust on a new way of life. I know that I choose this because it really is the best option for me when it comes to career. But my personal relationships have to suffer now because of it. I am going to miss every single creature that I was not even aware of while I was here. That I was taking for granted. I am going to miss my friends a lot. I am going to miss my time in forest near my house and most of all, I know I am going to miss the people I am living with, my dear parents. I am going to miss my neighbors, the owner of grocery store I was going to every morning, I am going to miss my city in summer. Summer is the best time to be here. I am going to miss downtown, coffee time with my friends, an ice cream store, evening walks, evening runs, putting the make up on, heading back home via same road.

As I mentioned, my parents are moving as well. So our home is a mess now. Slowly, we are packing all of our stuff into the boxes. It is quite sad atmosphere, knowing that these are last moments that we are going to spend together in this apartment. When I return back, this place will no longer be our home.

I am going to miss my bed. Two weeks ago, I changed the side of bed I was sleeping on. It turned out to be much more comfortable. I am going to miss these two weeks of sleeping upside down. It was amazing. I will remember how wonderful was lying in bed during warm summer nights. I am going to miss drinking coffee in the evening with my friend in the forest where we run. I am going to miss everybody.

I am really sad because I am leaving my environment. I am sad because I can`t combine lifestyle I want with being here. I cannot make base in here, where my closest ones are, without taking this huge step. It sucks that things are like that, but one the other hand, I have a chance to gain a new experience, I am sure more than one. I have a lot opportunities while I am away. I can really use that time for putting broken pieces of together, to get in touch with myself. It is so much harder to do that while you are away from everything that defines you.

Really sad because of breaking connections, hoping that closeness that was built up over years will prove itself regardless geography ❤


One thought on “openings

  1. this might be one of the hardest separations, you’re indeed on a cross road, but it’ll make you even bigger. It’s probably even more stressing because you’re all leaving the apartment you used to share as a family at the same time. It’s sad that our grown ups left us with nothing. We all must leave. Not only because of financial reasons, but also to get ourselves together. This surrounding isn’t so healthy. We’re all good people, and we’ll find ourselves elsewhere. You’ll finish your personal puzzle and it will be great. I wish you all the best.


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