Deep shame

When a close friend mentioned briefly how she won a 4th place on a half-marathon race held in our city, I was surprised because that was a huge event, and being forth girl is an INCREDIBLE success. So her running pace was around 4:55 which is a respectful pace among female runners. In comparison with her and when I was in best running form, I could perform 10km race holding pace at 5min/km. So holding pace under 5 for a 21 km race is a thing I could not achieve regardless being a runner for a such a long time.

So after brief happiness, something stronger occurred – jealousy. I was so jealous because I have never achieved something so important in terms of running and I was training for so long. I am jealous because that success is something that was I supposed to get according to training I had. I am jealous because my body is not able now to perform that type of running.

I am jealous because her success is like a pointer of my failure. I failed to perform something she has done and I am not sure what the reason for failure was. My energy was pointed in direction of same running pace for such a long time, and it was unsuccessful.

Jealousy is energy that is arousal by its nature. It is forwarder to movement. Instant decisions and instant change. Instant thinking. Thoughts that occurred to me are – you are a failure. Look at your body. Of course you cannot run as fast as she can. What are you doing to become better at it?

Jealousy is making me act instantly. Instant act has a purpose of changing situation immediately. What I could do as soon as I received news that are causing me to fell jealous is to act in a way of making my situation different at once. Better situation would be if I change my training plan and work out more. Thinking situation that will come up first, prior to act, is defined in purpose of motivating me to act asap. Motivational thoughts were – you are such a shame, look at yourself. Motivation that is going to provide me instant act is humiliation of my current state.

But what is actually going on? Because I have to humiliate myself now in order to change reality, because jealousy demands instant switch, the root of the whole issue is something deeper.

It is a shame that I am running away from. It is a shame that I feel somewhere deep inside. I am ashamed. Maybe because of my body, maybe because I think that being successful in everything you do is important. I feel ashamed.

My worth is non – existent so I have to identify myself via success. This is a self-worth issue. Where is worth if I am clearly unsuccessful in something I tried to achieve. Where is worth when I failed to maintain certain look I previously had while working out hard.

Being overachiever is not based on healthy statements. It is constant energy put into acts that are going to make me more of something. I am high – level of many stuff. And still, while I was on top of something, I felt awful. Being overachiever is constant escape. It is not reality of my being, it is hide away from statement I once believed – I have to prove my worth.

What a statement to keep up with. Grown by nurture and care of shame I was feeling. Shame of being myself. Shame of being me. When all of success is taken away, I am afraid that there is going to be nothing worth of mentioning. Maybe even something awful.

Someone made me believe that my true self is not recommended for world exposure. I believed that there are some parts that are discussing inside of me.

Freedom is exposing all parts of you. It is curable when awful things shine out. It is liberating finding out that there is nothing that should be hidden. Not a one single thing.

 

Can`t to wait to tell to my friend I was jealous of her.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s